the kalejunkie dish: restriction to freedom by nicole modic


"Nic, you say you recovered from an eating disorder, but you post a lot of desserts. How is that possible without relapsing? And where’s the damn KALE?"

My ED came from a struggle with restriction, deprivation, and an unhealthy preoccupation with perfectionism. I told myself that I could not have any of these things, because they were bad for me and they would make me gain weight, and I associated that with being ugly, unworthy, and undesirable (how F'D UP IS THAT?!?). You see, in LA, where I grew up, physical image is EVERYTHING (at least to me it was). And sadly, I chewed people up and spit them out if they stood in my way. In some ways, I felt that it served me well. After my divorce, I was always dating, traveling, and I fit into my size 0 jeans. Life HAD to be good, right?

Not exactly. As a result of my mindset around food and body image, the restriction backfired and turned into bulimia and compulsive eating. When you chew people up and spit them out, you end up alone. Sad!

After years of hurting my body and numerous failed attempts to heal, I got fired up, once and for all, and honed in on four things:

1. I no longer wanted to be a victim to food; I wanted to find a way to have my cake and eat it too.
2. I wanted to love my body, even if that meant gaining weight.
3. I wanted meaningful, lasting relationships.
4. I wanted to grow into the WOMAN I was meant to.

Which takes me back to the question. You make a lot of desserts, is that tempting? No. In the early stages of my recovery, I wasn't creating. I was healing. I discovered that refined sugars F with my head, and that, unless it's a special "donut" occasion, I need to eliminate them all together. Once I worked on lifting the deprivation ban, I was able to start creating (and enjoying) healthier versions of my fav treats. I don't NEED to eat the entire tray of muffins.

So where is the kale? The kale is in my belly. I eat a very well rounded diet of fruits, veggies (KALE), grains, and lean proteins. It’s just a personal preference to showcase my dessert creations because I have more fun making them. You do you, right?

Thank you for reading my story even as I retell it, because this page isn't just another food blog. It’s recipes, real talk, balance, community, mom life, self discovery, & chocolate. It’s for you.